NOVEMBER 2007
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November 26
Well, voila! Thanksgiving has come and gone in a flash. I spent the first part of mine in FL, visiting my dad and Kathryn. I finally broke down and got my iPod shuffle loaded and it was an absolute necessity on the trip. A perfect deterrent for unwanted discussion from strangers. I bee-bopped along to stuff like The Kooks, Kaiser Chiefs, The Fratellis, Pinback and even some old stuff like The The, Hoodoo Gurus and ELO while I played game after game of Sudoku. Absolute bliss. Finished one book and picked up another.
Things were pretty low key in FL. Weather was nice. Did a little shopping with Dad one day while Kathryn was working and did more on our way back to the airport. I managed to pick up an adorable Tory Burch sweater dress on sale. My logic is, the only reason why I was able to find that in my size is because who’s gonna wear a sweater dress in FL? It was my lucky day.
I came home to an empty COLD house. Bob had the air turned down to 60. I swear, it felt like we could have hung meat in there. I pumped the heat up and it seemed to take forever to defrost the sheets in the bed. Regardless, I slept like a log and had breakfast plans with Leah. Codi and I had tried to do breakfast but she ended up having to leave early so I was delighted to get an invite from Leah.
Leah and I met at Silver Diner (YUMMY!!!) then headed to the barn to ride. Patricia was nice enough to loan Leah a ride on Phone (too long of a story to explain on the name but his real name is Baybridge) and five of us went for a lovely ride. On the ride was Vic and Page, Betty and Lakota, Pat and Jay, Leah and Phone and me on Forrest.
No trail ride can ever just be a peaceful meandering – one must be confronted with challenges such as gates, creeks and so forth, right? Well, this ride was no different except our challenges came in the form of things that were out to get Forrest and Phone. The first creatures that tried to get them were deer. Both Leah and I were laid back on the horses, elbows all the way back, leaning on the reins as our horses scooted off at mach speed. Such fun! Then, while going down Stallion Alley (which is just yards from Bark Hollow – I believe that is what Vic calls it…), one of the stallions came WHIZZING out of nowhere scaring the begeezus out of the two youngsters again. Poor guys. Regardless, the ride was great and Leah and I both enjoyed it.
Having been off my McDonald’s for too many days straight, Leah and I headed for a late lunch at the McD’s in Marshall. I really needed my sweet tea. Once back, we were just about to start body clipping Phone when Patricia let us off the hook because it was getting late. So, after that, we headed on home. Bob was already home when I got there. I was so happy to see him. I got dinner started and we watched a movie.
Next day, Bob and I got to have breakfast together – this time, at IHOP. We ran a few errands and then it was back to the barn for me. I had a lesson to get to.
Patricia hauled Phone and I to a lesson with Pato Muente. I’ve lessoned with him before and really like his style. He’s very technical and business-like and every minute is spent working and learning which I like. I used Phone for the lesson because Forrest is on walking-rest right now. Phone is only 4 and is a pretty big boy and is still trying to grow into himself. I was very proud of what a good boy he was. He was very nervous about even walking up to the ring but kept on going with his little ears pricked forward and was put at ease when he saw a few other horses there. He kept his attention on his job quite nicely and was very willing to do the little jumping exercise we did. We all saw improvements in his trot, canter and jump as the lesson progressed. What a good boy!!
When I got back, I parked Phone in his stall so he could dry a bit, then quickly tacked Forrest up so I could catch a ride with Tracey and Vic. Tracey and I haven’t gotten to ride together in awhile. Vic shared his usual humor and Tracey and I talked about my lesson. We were out for a little over an hour and then, once back at the barn, I parked Forrest while I worked on cleaning Phone up, then went back to Forrest. Phew!
I believe Phone and I will get one more lesson with Pato before he leaves for FL so, I’m looking forward to that.
November 19
My little Greener Pastures party went very well. If I ever have a friend who has to put a horse down, I’ve decided I’ll throw a Greener Pastures party for them. For me, it was a good way to have closure, to have people who cared close by and to have them with me when I went to Justin’s grave. I gave everyone grass seed in little green Chinese take out-style boxes to sprinkle on his plot. What was sweet was, his two buddies, Shooter and Lucky, came up while we were doing that. Lucky actually came up first. After a bit, alllllllll the horses came up because they were convinced we had something good to share with them.
I was so touched by everyone coming. Everyone brought some kind of yummy to share and we are enjoying many of them even today! I brought some stuff to the office and people are devouring it. Maggie drove all the way out from Great Falls to drop off cookies, even though she had a rehearsal she had to turn right back around for. That was just so thoughtful. Dani drove all the way up from Glenns, VA and everyone else took time out of their busy weekends to spend it at my house and for a quick hello to Justin. The twins (Allie and Sarah) came, Alyssa came, Karin and Lori and Paul – I just so, so appreciated it. Kelly, who is probably one of the busiest people I know, met us at the farm to pay her condolences.
My best friend Lisa sent me a book. One of the quotes in the book struck a particular chord with me. It said, "A true friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else." I was fine while I was standing at Justin's grave but thanking my friends for showing up is what choked me up because I know how busy each one of them is and it meant so much to me that people took time out of their precious weekends to come.
Dani stayed the night and Bob, her and I went to dinner at my favorite Mexican place, Picante. Clearly, it has become everyone else’s favorite place too because there was a line. I have NEVER been there when there was a line so I’m kind of peeved that the secret is out.
So, I’m glad to have that part of the healing process behind me. On Sunday, I stopped off at Lori's to give her some magazines and to see her new horse!
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Afterwards, I went out to visit Forrest and to take a little stroll. I decided to take a different direction in the front field and when I did, I noticed a little path through one corner of the field. Being the adventurer that I am, I decided to take it to see where it went. It took me back towards the barn, and as I got closer to the barn, I noticed another boarder, Vic, was coming down the hill. I have heard lore of Vic’s multi-hour rides so I decided to wait for him to see where he was headed.
Vic took me on a spectacular ride. We went all over the neighboring properties – I think we were out for about two hours. The scenery was gorgeous and the feeling, serene. Nothing like riding cross country on horse back. I’m sure the horses enjoy it. Forrest’s little ears were perky as all get out (he has especially cute ears) the whole time.
Once we got back to the barn, I let Forrest graze on the barn lawns (it’s yummier there, you know) while his saddle and bridle marks dried, then, rubbed and brushed him nice and clean and gave him treats. It was a great way to end the weekend.
Earlier, when I pulled into the drive, I couldn't resist taking a picture of this tree. I've decided my favorite fall trees are the ones that are yellow, like this one.
November 15
Typically, I like to have some upbeat news but I think things'll be a little bleak for a bit. I'll snap back out of it soon. Sometimes, I think you just need to wallow in your hole for a bit. It can be exhausting to always look on the bright side and I'm feeling lazy. Definitely a void in my life. It feels odd to think I'll never see my little boy again. Ohhh...how I'm going to miss those nuzzlings and him pinching my butt.
Slept like absolute crap last night. It was raining sideways and it made me grateful that Justin had already made it across the rainbow bridge. He HATED the rain. Lori used to have to get up in teh middle of the night to bring him in because he would make it known in no uncertain terms when he wanted in. So, I laid there and thought and thought about Justin lying there dead. Justin napping there, swishing his little tail. Justin curled up in the ground. Everything. Every image. Good, bad, happy, sad. Finally, at 2 a.m., got up to take something and even that seemed to not kick in. Where's the good stuff when you need it? My biggest motivation for getting out of bed after having NO sleep was to get to work to keep my mind busy so I wouldn't be sad all day. I got to work, was busy, and was sad all day. Granted, I eeked out a few laughs here and there. But then (and I can kinda laugh about this now), some b*stard stole my lunch. It was raining sideways and I was thrilled to already have a lunch in the freezer to nuke so I wouldn't have to go outside and I'll be damned if someone didn't steal my freaking lunch.
I walked out into our office area and said, "I'm about to kick some ass. Someone stole my lunch." Both of my office mates know my situation and both offered to share their lunches while I just completely broke into tears. Trust me, nothing pisses me off more than missing a meal. To make matters worse, our CFO said, "What's wrong with you? Do you have a burr under your saddle or something?" I think he felt bad when I responded. I just went back to my desk and cried and cried and cried. Man, I hate crying!!!
Sara and I split her lasagna and I was just exhausted from all the crying and from no sleep and did not think I'd make it through the day. I was kind of trapped because my car was in for service. Sunday took me to drop it off and we popped in to the Container Store so I could pick up some stuff for my Greener Pastures party for Justin on Saturday. I am so happy that my nice friends will be there to support. People have no idea how much that means.
People have been wonderful, sending condolences. I've even gotten some from complete strangers who read my blog. Those kind words just help so, so much. Patricia has been keeping me busy ebaying her blankets and she and I try to make each other laugh about our quest to sell them, amongst other things.
Time, time, time -- and another day. Just get me to the next day. One thing I have learned is the next day just gets you farther down the road to healing. I love the next day.
November 14
Today is a sad, sad day. I put the little J-man down. Well, thankfully, I didn't have to put him down. Patricia and the vet she works for did. It was supposed to happen yesterday but it was raining so hard, it was postponed until today. Today ended up being a pretty day and I was glad that Justin had pretty, warm weather for his little trip across the rainbow bridge.
I am so, so sad. What a sweet little horse -- what a good little friend he was. This was such a hard decision to make but after talking with the vets and with friends, I'm confident I made the right decision. I did not want to let Justin gimp along and get progressively worse before I finally acted. Humans tend to be a bit selfish like that.
I got to say my goodbyes on Sunday. I pulled all the burrs out of his forelock and his tail. And he gave me the kisses that I love so much. No horse has ever shown me affection like Justin did. He always made me feel so good and happy being around him.
Lori happened to be out there this morning -- she was looking at a horse at the farm. She said he had her back turned and Justin came up to her and nuzzled her. She had not seen him since we picked him up from that girl who pisses me off so bad, I can't even say her name now... anyway, she said, "Jana, I was telling Patricia that I felt like you were doing the right thing." She said that she, too, did not see that little spark that was in Justin's little eye -- that bright little personality he had. It just never came back after I sent him to that girl. He knew he was hurt and he was being very careful with himself. He had wound down and that's when you know. That's when you know you have to do right by the animal.
I can't help but want to kick myself over and over for giving him to her in the first place. Had I not, I know I would have been happily tootling around on our old stomping grounds spying deer and rabbits and turkeys and foxes and their babies and all the nifty things we'd see when we were out on our little adventures all by ourselves. I love, love, loved that.
What kills me is, I've had a lot of horses in my life. 35 years of horses in my life. He is the only one that ever showed me affection like this. Sure, they're all cute and sweet and love their treats but Justin got up close and personal with me and I don't think I will ever have that with another horse. I've even seen clients' horses that weren't like this with them either. So, I know it is rare and I know some people haven't even experienced it.
Unfortunately, when I pulled in, I thought Justin would have already been in the ground, but instead, I saw my poor boy laid out in the field. I also saw all his field mates standing quietly in a little clump at the base of the hill where Justin was lying, when normally, they are all spread out in the field. I quickly looked the other way and literally drove yards down the driveway without even looking at the road. I just looked out into the other field.
I saw Tracy when I pulled in and unrolled the window and said, "YES I just saw my horse." She said, "Oh! I was so hoping you wouldn't." Her eyes were all pink from crying. She said, "Jana, it was so touching, I have to tell you... Each horse quietly walked up to Justin with his head down, sniffed, then quietly walked away with his head down. They each went up, one by one, as if they were paying their respects." I thought that was so sweet and it was sad but so nice to hear. Tracy was such a good friend and I cried all over her.
I made my way to Forrest's stall and took in all of his cuteness to cheer me up. I gave him treats and kisses and he was his cute self while I tacked up. Once on, I just rode by where the man was burying Justin and just looked at the ground. Which I kind of have to do anyway to watch for these roots that Forrest trips over. Forrest and I rode past the field, into another and did a short loop alongside the woods. We came back out at the end of the drive to the inquisitive faces of several of the black angus that live on the property. Everyone stood quietly and watched us as we walked by. Forrest is basically black now so I'm sure they were having a hard time figuring out what exactly we were. As we made our way back towards the barns, I took a moment to appreciate the fact that I had such a wonderful little horse such as Justin in my life, who taught me to enjoy simple little rides in the country, and I took a moment to appreciate having good friends who have been so supportive of me during this incredibly crappy time. I took a moment to be thankful that Patricia and my path crossed again because she is who made it possible for me to even be able to bury Justin at such a lovely site. And it was she who picked the most wonderful site to lay Justin to rest, near a tree where, as we passed by the other day, we saw him napping. She said it was a favorite napping spot for him. A little spot in the sun, on the hill, near a great tree. So, now, whenever I drive by, I can give a little look that direction and still see my boy. I am so appreciative of that. And I am appreciative for having another horse, a sweet horse, to carry me across the countryside, to give pats and kisses and treats to. But I won't forget my little Justin.
Because I hate being sad, although I am now allowing myself to, I arranged to have a little party at Chez Jana & Bob. I'm calling it a Greener Pastures party. I've invited all the special people in my life -- my horse peeps -- to come to the house to celebrate 'good friends, good horses and good times in the tack.' Then, we'll head to Justin's grave to put flowers on it. Then, I will be done.
